Things that are typically bad for you, like cigarettes, come with a warning label. But, what about relationships? Where is that warning label?
The warning label about sex is drilled into our heads when we are teenagers. You can get pregnant. Look at all these diseases you can get. It can ruin your future.
But, where is the warning label attached to boyfriends? A warning label of a broken heart could have come in handy at one time or another.
When I was 15 years old, I had my first real boyfriend. I call him my first real one because it was the first time I felt that spark. The first time I felt butterflies in my stomach and always wanted to spend time with him. Love stuff.
We were together for about seven months. A week after my 16th birthday, he broke up with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was still a kid. I wasn’t ready. Well, needless to say, he found someone who would have sex with him.
No warning label for what was to come. I ended up drowning in depression and lost weight, causing me to go under 100 pounds. I didn’t want to go to school anymore, but my dad pushed me to go.
Looking back, I can’t believe I let myself get so hung up over a guy, who later lost his scholarship in college because he spent most of his time partying.
I didn’t get my weight back until I was 20.
Guys should come with resumes. A list of references from past girlfriends would be nice. Details on why they broke up. Maybe a letter of recommendation, if he can get one.
A family tree and a description of the immediate family members should be attached. Whether or not he is a momma’s boy is crucial information.
Momma’s boys are the worst. When he moves out with you, he expects you to do everything his mom did for him. This includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, and everything his mother bent over backwards doing to ensure his happiness.
Been there. Done that. Warning label? I’m afraid not.
He was fun. He would decide not to clean up his dishes and leave them in the sink to grow mold.
I put my foot down and refused to clean it up. The smell was so bad, you didn’t dare go into the kitchen. I ended up throwing the dishes into a trash bag and throwing it in the dumpster.
Then, there are those guys that live secret lives that no one knows about. He acts normal while you are dating and having fun. But, once you move in with him, he is a completely different person. The secret comes out slowly over time as he gets comfortable with you.
Then one day, you find out how bad it really is.
This one had 600 gigabytes of porn on his computer. He had so much porn, he had to get a couple external hard drives just to hold it all.
He was so proud of his collection.
What man in his right mind prefers watching porn and masturbating over having sex with his girlfriend in the next room?
That relationship didn’t last long. No wonder he lived in a 4-bedroom house all by himself.
Warning labels and resumes would be nice. It would save a lot of time and heartache.
It really puts in perspective the saying that you can't learn how to avoid a situation unless you experience it. Lesson learned.
I enjoyed your column. It was funny and of course we can all relate with your stories of past relationships gone wrong.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part was the part about "momma's boys". I have way too much experience in that department.
This column was excellent right up until the columnist suddenly downshifts and broadens out to talk about all guys, instead of staying with her first premise about her first love.
ReplyDeleteUp until that point, I was hooked as a reader - solidly hooked.
If the intent was to write a column about all men, resumes or not, then the intro about her first relationship needed to be short, with a centerpiece about men in general, and then back to the former boyfriend.
Or, alternately, if the writer wanted to catalog, then that should have been the center focus.
A good idea and in spots brilliant.
'Well, needless to say, he found someone who would have sex with him.'
As noted by another commenter, the momma's boy part was funny and notable too. And in fact that might have made an entire column, too.
I mostly agree with Mr. Fitz on this, but seriously, this had to be one of the most entertaining columns that I've read for this class.
ReplyDeleteYou did a really good job conveying your frustration. As Fitz pointed out, it wasn't structured or organized perfectly, but emotion and logic never really played well together. To me, it was flawed, and that's honestly what made this better. This felt more like you were directly venting to the reader instead of writing a semi-professional column -- that's what kept me so interested, to be honest.
And wow...600 gigs of porn? Isn't being proud of that kind of contradictory? -_-